Let’s just say, it has been an interesting week where quite a lot of stuff happened.
Today I rode back to college with my friend, Ben, after Easter break. I will admit, I don’t know why we couldn’t have had Spring break last week instead of three weeks ago, it really threw me off! By the time I got used to being at school again, I ended up going right back home and getting out of that mindset.
College administration makes a lot of sense.
Anyway, we didn’t hit the road until late afternoon, so I pretty much just lazed around all day until he got to my mom’s apartment. I didn’t really have much else to do, nor much motivation to be responsible, so I kinda just lazed around some more after unpacking everything.
I was hoping to watch the season 5 premier of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (MLP) with my friend, Josh, but apparently he had a bunch of stuff to do by the time he got back. Probably did the same thing I did and not work on homework over the weekend, which, I’ll be honest, I don’t know why professors always expect us to study or work on assignments while on these breaks. Let’s be frank here, the majority of us students instantly get out of the school mindset as soon as break starts, assignments and studying just don’t happen unless there’s a due date that’s during the break.
It’s been a bit difficult getting back into the school mindset again; I really don’t get why we have two weeks of school in between the week-long Spring break and the four-day weekend Easter break. College administration makes a lot of sense. Still, at least I wasn’t too overwhelmed by everything.
I decided to talk with another friend of mine, Kathy, about questioning my orientation. I don’t know her too well, but I know her well enough that I wasn’t surprised with how she took it (positive, supportive), but it still helps knowing who I can trust and who won’t see me any different if I was bi (or pan or gay).
She didn’t give me much insight on this, and it might because she’s not as into the spiritual side of things like some of my other friends. However, she told me to focus on one aspect of this at a time:
- What I want out of this that will make me happy
- The spiritual side and what God wants for me regarding this, along with looking at what His Word says about this
- In a way, what I’ve been focusing on ever since I started thinking about this
- My family’s stance in this debate and how they will feel if I’m not straight
- Honestly, what I’m afraid of the most with this
- The social and political aspects regarding this
Ultimately though, she said something that was similar to what Josh asked me: simply put, do what will make me happy.
She did give me a few secular options to try, such as talking with someone at Counseling Services or getting involved with Alliance, the LGBTQ group on campus. Personally, I consider this more of a spiritual conflict than psychological, and I know I have a network of people who I’m willing to talk about this with. However, I am considering joining Alliance next semester if I’m able to.
Later, I looked at what classes I want to take in the Fall, one of which is Gay and Lesbian Lit because…I want to get involved, this class will fulfill a lit course over the 3000 level, and what better way to learn more about other types of people than through their first-hand literature?
I also wanted to take Fiction Writing, but that’s at the same time as this course and there’s only one section for each. I tried to see if Creative Non-Fiction Writing was available, but apparently that’s not being offered next semester. So I’m thinking of taking Magazine Writing and Editing; I want to still take at least one writing course per semester.
I’m probably going to retake Diversity of Life; judging from my scores so far, I don’t think I’m doing too hot. So if I do better the next time around, the second grade will negate the previous one.
I’m definitely going to take British Lit I because that’s only available in the Fall, plus it’s another Lit requirement for my major.
I’m going to skip taking Spanish next semester. I’ve been too frustrated with it, and I frankly don’t care about it; so I’m just going to get away from it for a while. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have switched majors by then.
Not surprisingly, I’ve been really freakin’ busy today. I haven’t had the chance to just sit down and relax a little except during lunch and a little bit before work. Although, work can be pretty relaxing sometimes because hardly anything happens on a late Wednesday afternoon.
After I epically failed at a vocab quiz I had in Spanish today, I started really thinking about switching my major and minor again. I’ll be honest, I’m probably already failing this class anyway, and I generally don’t care about it. It’s stressed me out too much this semester and last semester (I bailed three days after the semester started because I was annoyed by the professor), and in all honesty, I feel like I’m taking another gen ed that most likely won’t benefit me rather than a required course that could help me in my field. Also, I’d rather put my time and energy towards writing, lit, and bio minor courses, because there I feel like there’s some application with what I want to do: creative writing and/or getting involved in a Zoology specialty.
Speaking of which, I’m detecting a pattern that’s been going on with me lately; tigers have been appearing everywhere in many of my social media platforms, and just in general. I won’t lie, it’s probably just the furry thing, and my fursona’s species is a tiger, so I guess I’m just trying to embrace that. Yeah I know, it’s weird. Despite the furry thing though, I’m starting to gain a bit of a fascination with them. And who knows, maybe this is a specialty I should pursue; after all, they are endangered and they’re just too cool to go extinct.
So along with not getting the writing internship at Bethesda, only wanting to focus on writing and biology, and that I’m slowly gaining a fascination with a particular animal that I could have a Biological specialty in, I’m really considering the switch.
However, I should still pray about this and allow God to guide me in what He’s calling for me to do, plus, I just want to be happy with my life, and I know He wants that for me too. And what makes me happy right now is learning about the natural world, even if I may not fully grasp some of the concepts and terminology, and writing narratives, whether it’s a personal journal such as this blog or pieces of fiction. I enjoy them; they make me happy, even though they can be frustrating at times; they are a part of who I am – I want to be who God created me to be.
Thankfully today wasn’t as busy as yesterday; the only class I had was Spanish, and I didn’t have Poetry Writing because my professor was going to be out of town for a while. So, I decided to take advantage of this and be at least somewhat productive.
I went ahead an emailed the chair of the Biology department about changing to a major in that department to double check if I could still do this, given that it’s near the end of the semester by this point and registration starts soon for me. I still am, but will most likely take care of this tomorrow; there were a few other things I wanted to get done.
When he did reply back to me…I had a sudden feeling of anxiety as soon as I read his email. The only thing going through my head at the time was “Uh, wow…this…I’m actually gonna do this…” I’m still pretty excited about it though, just a little overwhelmed I guess.
After I went to Quest…that’s when things started to go bad.
I’ve had a crush on Ben ever since I started questioning my orientation, and the only time I confessed my feelings for him was when all this started a little over 5 months ago. At the time, he said he didn’t like me back in the same way.
Well today, I asked him that again…though I wasn’t surprised by his answer. Basically he said, “I’m not interested in anyone right now, and that’s all I’ll say.” All I responded with was, “Ok,” and understood why. The hard part’s going to have to move on from this; in the past, I didn’t, and that’s what got me in trouble and nearly ruined my friendships.
The rest of the night, I told him everything else that’s been going on with me lately, and explained why questioning my orientation is, frankly, very difficult yet important to me. Like I said earlier, I consider this more of a spiritual battle, and my upbringing was quite different than his along with any other experiences and issues that are connected to this. I don’t how or if this is important to him as well with his personal struggle; he either doesn’t have much going on in his life right now, or he’s not as transparent as I am.
Well…today I got the ball rolling on switching my major and minor. So far I just have the form partially filled out and signed myself, I just need signatures from both chairs in the English and Biology departments. Thankfully this isn’t a hard process, and my adviser, who’s also the English department chair, already knows that I was thinking of doing this; now it’s happening.
Brony club was really great because we ended up watching the season 5 premier! I’ll be honest, it was kinda creepy because there was this distopian, equality theme throughout, and everyone besides the main characters were in this brainwashed state. If you haven’t seen it, it might still be on YouTube or you can download it off of iTunes.
After this…odd episode, I wanted to talk to Josh about what happened last night. But like most life conversations, it went way further than this. In a nutshell, I had some assurance on where I can go if this worse-case scenario were to happen: I tell my mom that I’m questioning my orientation (or tell here that I’m gay, bi, pan) and she ends up kicking me out, leaving me with no place to go. He said he and his parents would be willing to take me in should this happen, though I guess his dad is finicky with the house.
I also mentioned to him that my Aunt and Uncle in Rockford are pretty much my grandparents on my dad’s side. (I never knew my real grandparents on that side of the family). My Aunt at least seems the most open to others, even if she may not agree with them, not sure about my Uncle though, but he has been known to be helpful and caring, even if he may be a bit salty about everything. After talking with Josh about this stuff, I think I’m going to tell, at lest, my Aunt about my questioning; hopefully this will dispel some fear of my family about this and maybe give me some assurance that I’ll have somewhere to go should my mom kick me out because I’m gay, bi, pan.
We then played Team Fortress 2 (TF2) with whoever else was left at Brony Club until about 1 AM. I’m thankful for that after unloading quite a lot of fear and anxiety.
Saturday & Sunday
On Saturday, I went to the Mines of Spain national park in Dubuque, IA with a few friends. However, the only ones I actually knew were Ben, Josh, and Jackie; the rest were mostly acquaintances where I only know them by their name and face.
It was a gorgeous day out today; I didn’t care that I got a little sunburned or tired and achy afterwards! I was just glad to be among nature again. So, of course, I brought my camera with and made sure I took a lot of pictures of whatever interesting things I found. I’ll be honest, I think I may have too many pictures, so I’m gonna create a separate picture post/gallery sometime this upcoming week.
After our little excursion, we went to A&W and had a late lunch there. Let’s be honest, you can’t go to A&W with out getting a root beer float!