April 25, 2015

Not much has really happened this week, plus I’ve been feeling very anxious and depressed about my insecurities all week. I do plan on seeing a councilor about this and my orientation; I wouldn’t be surprised if they were connected somehow.

Tuesday

Josh asked me about hanging out on Thursday since we never got to do so Sunday. I honestly can’t remember the last time just me and him hung out; the only time I can think of was when we lived together last year before everything blew up.

It seems like whenever it’s just me and him, it’s usually because I want to talk to him about something or he wants to talk to me about something. We’ve never actually just…hung out at all this year; when we did, it was always with a group of some size and variety, and his girlfriend was always there even if it was just him, me, and a few of our other guy friends.

I really hope this happens. I hope some emergency with his girlfriend doesn’t pop up out of nowhere and he would have to cancel. I understand priorities and that he’s super busy and all, but I don’t think he fully understands how different things are now that he has a girlfriend and how…distant he’s been with me and our other friends that he used to hang out with a lot.

It hurts…a lot, and I really hope I get to hang out with him Thursday because…there’s a part of me that kind of…likes…him.
 
 

Wednesday

Horay! As soon as I woke up this morning, a random, depressing mood set in right away! Of course, this pretty much stayed with me the entire day until around the afternoon.

When this finally left me, and after looking back on it all, I realized something: I’m a complete idiot for thinking this way. Yes, I’m pretty damn insecure about a lot of things, especially the fact that I’m still single and I haven’t found anyone yet; however, things could be worse. Also everything that’s happened to me so far up to this point, all my decisions, while they may not be 100% perfect or will turn out ok in the end, I’ve been legitimately happy with where I’m at for a change. I’m excited about my new major, I’m excited to have a chance to really practice my writing and work on my projects this summer, and I’m starting to really find my niche more and more in life, which contains two themes from what I’ve found: narrative/story telling, and animals and nature; both of which, I feel, have been constants to a degree all my life.

Needless to say, I felt a bit better this afternoon and the rest of the day.
 
 

Thursday

Today was pretty relaxing thankfully, even though there was still a little bit of that fear I’ve been feeling all week that popped up from time to time.

After Quest, Josh and I hung out for the night; it was just as good for him as it was for me, he’s pretty much always busy with whatever, whether it’s school, friends, or Jackie, so he has little to no time to himself.

All we really did was go up on a hill that was part of what was once a cornfield, which is “technically” off-campus, and had some hard cider; then we watched a couple episodes of MLP afterwards when we got back to campus. It was nice; neither of us could remember the last time we hung out, not just this past semester but this past school year. Honestly, this, what we did, is what I prefer: just me and another friend, not doing anything complicated, keeping it simple and laid-back, not doing a huge, over-stimulating group thing…you get the idea.

Heh, no wonder I’d be ok if it was just me and my S.O.; of course that would have to depend on how social or introverted they are and if they want kids or not.

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