I recently randomly started looking through some of my old notebooks, usually kept as journals or poetry notebooks, when I came across this entry from almost three years ago:
I am seriously scared, about everything, I just don’t know what to do. I have no idea if I’ll get a job, or how long I’ll have to stay with my mom. I don’t know what I’m going to do about college other than re-apply for the spring. I have no idea if I’ll get a girlfriend, let alone one who would eventually be my wife. I don’t know when I’ll be getting my license and a car, but I think that’s the main thing I should work on. Hopefully everything else will fall into place. Wow, thank you God for letting me stop on “Seasons” by Dragonforce on my iPod. I never actually “listened” to the lyrics, it completely applied to my situation just now! I just need to wait for the seasons to change, and the sun to shine on my again! And let the past burn down in flames! This just gave me a boost in my dwindling faith, I really needed that. I’m just really scared all of a sudden and I don’t know how my mom will react when I tell her. I hope she shows some sympathy for me, instead of just showing zero emotion and reaction to it. It seems like every time I bring up a problem I’m having, she shows nothing towards it, or just bitches me out. I wish she would show that she does give a shit about me, because I don’t feel that she loves me at all.
At the time of writing this, I was on academic probation for a semester due to my grades. I will admit, I was most likely very emotional when writing this too. Still, there are a few things mentioned here that I’m still scared of or still trying to obtain even to this day:
- Worried about not getting a job and still trying to do so
- Trying to get a diver’s license and a car
- Worried that I’ll never find someone (either girl or guy since I’ve been wondering if I’m bisexual)
- Wanting to get away from my mom permanently for a few reasons
- Unsure if she truly loves me or not
- Scared to confront her if I have a problem with something
- Seemingly unable to have deep conversations with her
- Either shows little to no emotion or straight-up bitches me out
- Want to let go of the past and move on into the future
I’m sure a lot of this is sounds heartbreaking, and I may also have exaggerated my situation some. But this has been going on far too long, and whenever I get frustrated about these or something else, it always seems to circle back to my mom; it’s as if she’s the center of my frustrations, and I need to get away from that source.
I know what I need to do…I’ve just been having a hard time trying to do it.