I pretty much copy/pasted this from my journal entries from a few art sites I’m on. I just really needed to get this all out; there’s so much that’s been going on with me lately.
I try to keep really personal issues offline as best as I can (except for Twitter, unfortunately; it’s way too easy for me to quickly vent on there), but I feel like you should know what’s been going on with me lately. I haven’t been feeling the greatest, emotionally, for the past week and a half, and it’s also affecting my writing. This may need me to provide a lot of context that’s a little personal, mainly about my mom; but I honestly don’t mind sharing this at all. The way I look at it, maybe what has been going on may help someone else. Who knows?
Also, this is going to get quite lengthy.
For a good majority of my life, it’s been just me and my mom; well over 20 years in fact. My dad was taken from us due to leukemia when I was about 3 years old; I’m 23, almost 24 now. We’ve moved four times total; we lived in three towns, one city, and crossed from Illinois to Wisconsin. Each time we moved, our home seemed to shrink in size: starting from a large, two-story house with a basement and good-sized yards, all the way down to a one bedroom apartment, where we currently live now.
My mom isn’t the type to let things go; we still have stuff packed up from our first move about 11, 12, 13 years ago, if I recall correctly. Every move, we hardly went through anything unless a close relative of ours would get pissed off at her enough that she’ll sort. Mind you, I know for sure she isn’t a hoarder and doesn’t have that condition; she’s just lost a lot in her life: her husband, her infant daughter (I would’ve had an older sister), and several jobs. She’s told me what she’s lost in the past; I’ve lived through what she’s lost in the past. This, I understand.
She’s also not the type to let things go, such as this beef she had for a few years with her younger sister over something stupid, I’m sure (I have no intention to get involved in their passive-aggressive quarrel). She was re-married at one point, but that didn’t turn out well; she thought he was going to be a husband to her and a father to me, he turned out to be another kid for her take care of who didn’t mind spending money on everything. I’ll admit, he was pretty ok to hang out with once in a while; he was pretty geeky and probably influenced me in that regard. But I just…didn’t see him as a fatherly figure; he wasn’t really much of a father to his own kids (which I will not go into because that’s a mess in of itself). After the divorce of a three-year marriage, and finding he lost us a lot of money, she still holds on to that anger towards him. I was about 13 or 14 when all this happened.
She’s also holding a grudge against a couple of my friends and, now, my boyfriend, sort of.
When I first started college, I had crushes on a couple of my girl friends and decided to confess my feelings to them: I was over-zealous with the first, but was straight-forward with the second. With my first friend, I kept poking and poking that it got to a point where we weren’t friends for a year. With my second friend, after finding out she got together with my best friend at the time…well…let’s just say jealousy can turn into a very, very scary monster and somewhat got campus police involved. Thank GOD all three of us are still friends after that, but the healing and coping process took a long time.
I told my mom about these two events because I want to try and be more open to her. She thought that these three friends were no good for me anymore, even though we’ve managed to heal and repair our friendships, and that I was stupid for acting the way I did, and I do feel stupid for doing all that. Even though we hardly see each other any more, I’d say we’re all still good friends, and I acknowledge and have learned from these mistakes. My mom still doesn’t like that I’m still friends with these three though and she still shows anger towards them.
And then I got together with my boyfriend…oh, this is going to be a delight to talk about…
When I told her about us and that I was bisexual, her first reaction was disappointment in herself and me, and that my dad would be devastated. She also told me I wouldn’t get to heaven. Now, I consider myself a Christian, though more on the spiritual side of things. I believe in God, I accept Jesus as my Savior and that He was an act of God’s love and forgiveness for me, and I want to share that love with the rest of the world as best as I can. You know, the basic, central teaching of Christianity. I would like to find a different church home though, but not Lutheran (or as my pastor put it, “generic Catholic”); I’d rather be part of church that teaches the Gospel and not be influenced by hundred-year-old traditions. Honestly, I would’ve been fine if she didn’t agree with our relationship because of her beliefs, but accepts that it’s a thing and she’d consider me her son; I’ve had a couple friends, relatives, and my pastor do that, and I respect them for it.
But my mom didn’t stop there.
The few times I would casually talk with her about relationships, even if it wasn’t about me, she’d always say something like “You’ll find someone eventually. God has that special person (female) for you.” Um…you do know I have a boyfriend, right? You’ve met him, you seem to be ok with us hanging out. It’s as if she’s pretending our relationship doesn’t exist. Also, to make things harder for us to see each other, she won’t allow him to spend the night and doesn’t allow touching of any kind if he’s over. Honestly, she might as well have kicked me out when I told her three months ago.
Ok…so now that I’ve summed up my life story and my relationship with my mom for you guys, here’s where I’m at right now.
I have to help my mom with pretty much everything, from cleaning the apartment, to getting small items for her, helping her sort shit in our garage, contributing to bills, groceries, and the few times I had to be her handyman. I’ve been helping her my whole life, and it seemed fair when I was younger and wasn’t trying to get out on my own. Now that I’m an adult, I need to have my own life and be my own man; this hasn’t been accomplished for a few reasons:
- I still don’t have my own car. I’ve never gotten one in the past either.
- I still need to finish up college, which I have one semester left.
- She’s currently disabled due to her bad knees and back, which is most likely due to her weight. She has to walk around with a cane, even in the apartment.
- We live close to my grandma, so that makes it convenient for her to have me help her with yard work and whatever else she needs help with. I don’t mind this as much.
Do you think I still sound like I’m her son? Or am I suddenly her “husband” now? Because I’m not.
I need to live my own life. It’s hard enough already for me to be with my boyfriend, let alone my other friends, just by the simple fact I don’t have my own car; I’d either have to be picked up or take my mom’s car, which I know she wouldn’t allow me to have for longer than a day. The lowest price for a used car at a dealer came to ~$5,500 USD, from what I’ve found and can’t afford, while a car through someone on Craigslist is within my budget, but would have very high mileage (200,000+ miles). I also don’t want to deal with car payments; it’ll just be another bill, and I’ll have loans to pay off once I graduate. Yeah…sort of a catch-22.
Without a car, I have no freedom. Without that freedom, that independence, I can’t fulfill my goals and dreams. I’ll have so many missed opportunities to share what I have to offer to the world, to give back to those who’ve helped me in the past, to help build others up and show some kindness in this shithole of a world we live in today, to share my wisdom…
If I’m unable to even have those opportunities because I’m stuck with someone who seems to be disappointed in what I do, yet wants me to help her with everything because she made poor health choices that lead her to where she’s at now, someone who doesn’t want me to leave them and keep me all to themselves…
Well…what’s the point in trying to live then? I’m just living life…with my mom…not as her son, but as her pseudo-husband.
I’ve been very emotional this past week and a half because of this. I’m nearing my breaking point. I’ve had suicidal thoughts because I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life anymore.
By this point, I really don’t give a shit about my mom anymore. I’m done putting up with her. It’s time for me to move on, somehow.