Monthly Archives: November 2018

Reflection, Renewal, Change, and Trying to Keep a Lid On Emotions

meditating tiger

Ever since I first saw this on my Twitter feed, it’s really resonated with me…a lot lately. Might also be fitting with what I hope to achieve and what I’m struggling with lately. | Art by Tasanko

There’s been…quite a lot going on with me as of late and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I am now, where I have been, what the hell happened in between, and what I want my future to be. In no way am I saying I have this all completely thought out or planned out, but due to recent events and unforeseen circumstances, there’s a lot I need to change about myself, how I typically handle things, and how I can be truly happy.

Much of this is on me. I bitch too much. I talk about myself too much. I explain myself too much. I get angry and distressed too much. And I have no healthy way of expressing or releasing that. My typically solution is to just bitch and moan on social media or directly towards friends, even though they’ve heard the same shit time and time again; this has lead to people either distancing themselves from me or not wanting to do anything with me entirely. This has also been a major cause of breakup in my “relationships,” including my current one. (I put relationships is quotes because I’m realizing how on/off they were and they really shouldn’t have been in existence to begin with; a close friendship doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to a good relationship).


So what is it do I need to change so I quit acting this way and allow the same shit to happen time and time again? Well, thanks to two, long, very emotional talks with Yarred, who reminded me the two most simplest solutions to this, which I keep failing to recognize: 1) What is it that I already have and do that makes me happy? 2) What are the things that are making me unhappy?

The following is a list of answers to these two questions; I’m mainly using these as my own reference/brain dump, but maybe some of you could relate to this as well.

What is it that I already have and do that makes me happy?

  • Currently living in a town home where I have my own room, meaning I have my own, personal space for the long-term.
  • Currently living in Madison, a large city with plenty of opportunity and better environment for me overall.
  • Aside from student loans, bills are cheaper, due to living with two people and in a more energy-efficient home.
  • Cheaper gas prices and somewhat less hillier roads.
  • I have an actual bed for a change, with a frame, box spring, and mattress.
  • Bigger furry, gaming, and possibly writing community to be involved in.
  • Job has much better pay than previous job, plus allows me to take part in making a product that is practical and can save lives.
  • Much closer to college friends, high school friends, and some family.
  • 24/7 WiFi connection at home.

What are the things that are making me unhappy?

  • Getting tossed on second shift and doing the type of work I’ve been wanting to avoid (as in just working in packaging and not doing any assembly work whatsoever).
  • Seeing little to no opportunities to try jumping back on first, even though I was told repeatedly these opportunities show up frequently (it’s been a month, and even then, there’s barely been any change).
  • The fact my mother and grandmother, the two people who more-or-less raised me, are getting up there in age and declining in health; this is especially true for my mother, though more due to her personal life choices. There’s no way I can take care of myself and them with what I’m struggling with, period.
  • Not feeling like I’m part of the family on both sides, which I’ve felt as such my whole life, regardless of the fact my family is a mixed bag of political and religious views. There’s very few family members whom I can find solace in…as in, like…two or three.

What are some things I can do to make me happy/eliminate that unhappiness?

  • Obvious answers are:
    • seek out new employment if things do not change soon at current job
    • leave my mother and grandmother to their own device and only have contact in case of emergencies
    • seek out solace in friends rather than bitch to them
  • Try to remember the good things you have and what makes you happy now, even if it only brings you a little bit of happiness.
  • Seek out healthy, wholesome ways to release and de-stress, starting with what you can do for free or cheap; examples include:
    • writing: be it on this blog, a story, working on a commission, editing an old RP log, a poem, etc.
    • improving physical fitness: there’s a small gym on the property that’s free to use for residents; just need to have the access card to get in and has a wide range of hours for availability
    • improving physical fitness: there’s a Planet Fitness just down the road a little bit that could prove useful, however, membership cost will be a factor
    • train in boxing: several boxing/MMA/kickboxing gyms around the city, though membership cost and route will be big factors
    • visual art: this is rarely done to begin with, but it still is possible to draw, paint digitally, or take part in something like origami or making stuff out of duct tape
    • clean: clean, organize, sort, be it the bedroom, the rest of the house, car, MTG collection, files on computers, files on phone, laundry, whatever; if it’s something that needs to be cleaned and/or organized and sorted through, work on it
    • improving diet: see what types of foods and nutrients may be needed, along with taking a multivitamin daily

I’ll be honest, this last list could go on and on.

In any case, that’s the short form of what’s been on my mind and how I’ve been feeling lately, at least with life in general.

As for my current love life, I’m not going to go into that here; it’s relevant to a mistake I’ve made frequently in the past, especially early-on in a relationship: being too “out there” about it. You know the drill: changing profiles on social media or elsewhere to say you’re in a relationship with so-and-so, changing your profile picture(s) and/or header image(s) everywhere, changing the background to something relevant and cute on your phone, tablet, computer, etc., etc. That kind of “out there.” That’s the type of person…I really don’t want to be and don’t like seeing; it’s too shallow and too naive.

As for the furry fandom and my current involvement? Quite simple, really: step back, reflect, and remove any aspects you’re not currently interested or involved in.

Right off the bat, one aspect I’m going to put a stop to is being open for RPs; I cannot do those anymore, bottom line. I’ll still edit RP matches in the past and post them to my galleries like I have been, but I cannot do any new ones. I still have yet to decide on the ones I currently have going, which, sadly, I may just let them die off.

Another that’s semi-related to RPing is my involvement in the furry fighting sub-community of the fandom. I haven’t really been active for the longest time, and even if I make an attempt, it’s minimal. I’ll still share and favorite related art, maybe a commission here or there, but in terms of being part of groups and such? Well, a lot of it boils down to priorities, time, and energy.

I want to go back to what my original intentions were when first joining the fandom: writing stories. I desperately need to get back on working on commissions regularly and offering those more frequently. I also need to improve the quality of my writing in my stories as well, regardless if they’re personal work or commission work. And, somehow, someway, I want to get back into poetry: the one thing that infected me with the writing bug almost 7 years ago. I love writing about goofy animal people, and I sure as hell love writing about nature…a lot.

Yes, I do admit to enjoy personifying a boxing tiger…

Or a wrestling tiger…

Or just some fighty tiger with a sexy physique and sexy hair…

But that’s…that’s not me, only mere fantasies that could be realities. That is, if I oh so wanted to be that type of person.

But I also like being an earthbender tiger…

Or a Jedi tiger (still need to get a pic of this)…

Or a tiger ranger straight out of D&D or Magic: The Gathering (which may have a pic of this)…

Or a weretiger…

Or just…a tiger…who likes nature, writing, some geeky stuff here and there, dabbles into tarot and oracle cards here and there…

…and just wants to be happy with his life and the friends he’s made…and wants to show he cares about the people he truly loves…

Yes, I do admit to enjoy personifying a boxing tiger…

But that’s…that’s not just me…

Because people are more than what they seem at face-value

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