Life Events

Reflection, Renewal, Change, and Trying to Keep a Lid On Emotions

meditating tiger

Ever since I first saw this on my Twitter feed, it’s really resonated with me…a lot lately. Might also be fitting with what I hope to achieve and what I’m struggling with lately. | Art by Tasanko

There’s been…quite a lot going on with me as of late and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I am now, where I have been, what the hell happened in between, and what I want my future to be. In no way am I saying I have this all completely thought out or planned out, but due to recent events and unforeseen circumstances, there’s a lot I need to change about myself, how I typically handle things, and how I can be truly happy.

Much of this is on me. I bitch too much. I talk about myself too much. I explain myself too much. I get angry and distressed too much. And I have no healthy way of expressing or releasing that. My typically solution is to just bitch and moan on social media or directly towards friends, even though they’ve heard the same shit time and time again; this has lead to people either distancing themselves from me or not wanting to do anything with me entirely. This has also been a major cause of breakup in my “relationships,” including my current one. (I put relationships is quotes because I’m realizing how on/off they were and they really shouldn’t have been in existence to begin with; a close friendship doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to a good relationship).


So what is it do I need to change so I quit acting this way and allow the same shit to happen time and time again? Well, thanks to two, long, very emotional talks with Yarred, who reminded me the two most simplest solutions to this, which I keep failing to recognize: 1) What is it that I already have and do that makes me happy? 2) What are the things that are making me unhappy?

The following is a list of answers to these two questions; I’m mainly using these as my own reference/brain dump, but maybe some of you could relate to this as well.

What is it that I already have and do that makes me happy?

  • Currently living in a town home where I have my own room, meaning I have my own, personal space for the long-term.
  • Currently living in Madison, a large city with plenty of opportunity and better environment for me overall.
  • Aside from student loans, bills are cheaper, due to living with two people and in a more energy-efficient home.
  • Cheaper gas prices and somewhat less hillier roads.
  • I have an actual bed for a change, with a frame, box spring, and mattress.
  • Bigger furry, gaming, and possibly writing community to be involved in.
  • Job has much better pay than previous job, plus allows me to take part in making a product that is practical and can save lives.
  • Much closer to college friends, high school friends, and some family.
  • 24/7 WiFi connection at home.

What are the things that are making me unhappy?

  • Getting tossed on second shift and doing the type of work I’ve been wanting to avoid (as in just working in packaging and not doing any assembly work whatsoever).
  • Seeing little to no opportunities to try jumping back on first, even though I was told repeatedly these opportunities show up frequently (it’s been a month, and even then, there’s barely been any change).
  • The fact my mother and grandmother, the two people who more-or-less raised me, are getting up there in age and declining in health; this is especially true for my mother, though more due to her personal life choices. There’s no way I can take care of myself and them with what I’m struggling with, period.
  • Not feeling like I’m part of the family on both sides, which I’ve felt as such my whole life, regardless of the fact my family is a mixed bag of political and religious views. There’s very few family members whom I can find solace in…as in, like…two or three.

What are some things I can do to make me happy/eliminate that unhappiness?

  • Obvious answers are:
    • seek out new employment if things do not change soon at current job
    • leave my mother and grandmother to their own device and only have contact in case of emergencies
    • seek out solace in friends rather than bitch to them
  • Try to remember the good things you have and what makes you happy now, even if it only brings you a little bit of happiness.
  • Seek out healthy, wholesome ways to release and de-stress, starting with what you can do for free or cheap; examples include:
    • writing: be it on this blog, a story, working on a commission, editing an old RP log, a poem, etc.
    • improving physical fitness: there’s a small gym on the property that’s free to use for residents; just need to have the access card to get in and has a wide range of hours for availability
    • improving physical fitness: there’s a Planet Fitness just down the road a little bit that could prove useful, however, membership cost will be a factor
    • train in boxing: several boxing/MMA/kickboxing gyms around the city, though membership cost and route will be big factors
    • visual art: this is rarely done to begin with, but it still is possible to draw, paint digitally, or take part in something like origami or making stuff out of duct tape
    • clean: clean, organize, sort, be it the bedroom, the rest of the house, car, MTG collection, files on computers, files on phone, laundry, whatever; if it’s something that needs to be cleaned and/or organized and sorted through, work on it
    • improving diet: see what types of foods and nutrients may be needed, along with taking a multivitamin daily

I’ll be honest, this last list could go on and on.

In any case, that’s the short form of what’s been on my mind and how I’ve been feeling lately, at least with life in general.

As for my current love life, I’m not going to go into that here; it’s relevant to a mistake I’ve made frequently in the past, especially early-on in a relationship: being too “out there” about it. You know the drill: changing profiles on social media or elsewhere to say you’re in a relationship with so-and-so, changing your profile picture(s) and/or header image(s) everywhere, changing the background to something relevant and cute on your phone, tablet, computer, etc., etc. That kind of “out there.” That’s the type of person…I really don’t want to be and don’t like seeing; it’s too shallow and too naive.

As for the furry fandom and my current involvement? Quite simple, really: step back, reflect, and remove any aspects you’re not currently interested or involved in.

Right off the bat, one aspect I’m going to put a stop to is being open for RPs; I cannot do those anymore, bottom line. I’ll still edit RP matches in the past and post them to my galleries like I have been, but I cannot do any new ones. I still have yet to decide on the ones I currently have going, which, sadly, I may just let them die off.

Another that’s semi-related to RPing is my involvement in the furry fighting sub-community of the fandom. I haven’t really been active for the longest time, and even if I make an attempt, it’s minimal. I’ll still share and favorite related art, maybe a commission here or there, but in terms of being part of groups and such? Well, a lot of it boils down to priorities, time, and energy.

I want to go back to what my original intentions were when first joining the fandom: writing stories. I desperately need to get back on working on commissions regularly and offering those more frequently. I also need to improve the quality of my writing in my stories as well, regardless if they’re personal work or commission work. And, somehow, someway, I want to get back into poetry: the one thing that infected me with the writing bug almost 7 years ago. I love writing about goofy animal people, and I sure as hell love writing about nature…a lot.

Yes, I do admit to enjoy personifying a boxing tiger…

Or a wrestling tiger…

Or just some fighty tiger with a sexy physique and sexy hair…

But that’s…that’s not me, only mere fantasies that could be realities. That is, if I oh so wanted to be that type of person.

But I also like being an earthbender tiger…

Or a Jedi tiger (still need to get a pic of this)…

Or a tiger ranger straight out of D&D or Magic: The Gathering (which may have a pic of this)…

Or a weretiger…

Or just…a tiger…who likes nature, writing, some geeky stuff here and there, dabbles into tarot and oracle cards here and there…

…and just wants to be happy with his life and the friends he’s made…and wants to show he cares about the people he truly loves…

Yes, I do admit to enjoy personifying a boxing tiger…

But that’s…that’s not just me…

Because people are more than what they seem at face-value

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Positive life changes happening (Part 2)

Hey guys~

Figured I’d give you guys an update/continuation on my last post about what all has been going on with me lately. Again, all positive, though it was a bit overwhelming at first. Continue reading

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Positive life changes happening

Hey guys~

Long time, no talk, eh? Apparently I haven’t posted anything on here since the beginning of April…sorry about that. As mentioned in the title, there’s been some positive changes happening in my life recently, but between those and my job becoming hectic these past couple months, I’ve been quite busy (and tired) as of late. Continue reading

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Got myself a new hoodie

Hey guys~

A friend of mine by the name of Houndsytooth (who can be found here on Twitter) had this hoodie on at the Madison furry bowling meet last night. When I saw it, my first thought was, “I need this; why do I not have this yet?”

You can probably guess why 😛

Also, it’s been a while since I’ve used my digital camera to take photos like this. It was also hard for me to find a good spot in my apartment to take them, so bare with me here.

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Thoughts on going forward in the fandom

In a way, you could say this is my follow-up post to Fur Squared 2018. All in all, I had a great time at the con and was glad to meet and hang out with a few people I haven’t seen in a while, along with meeting a few new people. To be honest, my main goal for this con was just that.

As much as I would’ve loved to have Sponsored or Super Sponsored this con, things weren’t going great for me, financially, prior to this past weekend. However, after I was hired on to permanent employment status at Emmi Roth (a cheese factory I work at here in town), I gained a better pay rate, benefits, and paid time off; so, in the end, things worked out for me enough that I could at least attend. I believe this makes my second year where I had to register at the door, the first year being…well my very first Fur Squared and furry con back in 2015. Otherwise, I would’ve pre-registered as a Sponsor or Super Sponsor. I feel I’ve been attending this con enough times where I know it’ll be a good con each year, and I want to help it grow. Continue reading

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Tis the season I guess….

Hey guys,

These past few months have been…shitty, to put it bluntly. Ever since being forced to scramble for a place back in September, I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck; I only get paid weekly because I’m working through a temp agency. I also had to withdraw from college; between the stress of moving, struggling with finances, and working a full-time job second shift…yeah, college could wait. However, I should’ve withdrew way early so I could get a refund; even if I did graduate, I still would’ve owed for tuition before I could get my physical degree, so I would’ve been fucked regardless if I graduated or not.

Oh, but it gets better.

Last Friday, I get a 5-day quit or pay rent notice on my door, which I didn’t see until I got home from work that night close to 11pm; this meant I have to pay off what I’m overdue, which is close to a full-month’s rent, or leave the premises by the 23rd…you know, the day before Christmas Eve.

After calling my building manager every day since getting that, writing a letter explaining my situation, and getting nowhere when I called the main office of the company that owns the building, I get a response yesterday and was able to talk to someone in-person that morning. I was told I had to come up with some kind of payment plan to pay off what’s overdue and going forward; I did just that and emailed the proposed plan to the person I talked to (another manager, not mine), left a hard copy in the office, and kept one for myself. Now I have to wait until Thursday due to how shitty office hours are. All in all, I just hope this payment plan is approved and I’m allowed to stay a little bit longer; with getting weekly paychecks rather than bi-weekly paychecks, I can only do so much at a time.

I’m hoping to get hired onto the company I’m working for right now (it’s a cheese factory); I know for sure I’ll get better pay, bi-weekly paychecks, more benefits, PTO, holiday pay, and who knows what else.

But my overall plan is to get out of this hick town and live closer to my mom and grandma, along with other friends and family. I feel so distant from everyone with where I’m at right now, plus I’m starting to see more and more that this town is full of crooked backstabbers, at least when it comes to landlords.

Needless to say, this has put my writing to a screeching halt, and I was really hoping to get caught up on that this past weekend. And now with Christmas coming up this weekend and waiting anxiously on if I have to get out by the 23rd or not, I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to make more progress on commissions and personal projects. Just been feeling like I’m watching a train wreck happening, only to wait and see if there will be another one immediately after….

TTFN,
Ricky

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Final Semester Self-Reflection and A Lot of Regret

I’m finally living on my own in my own place and have a full-time job at a cheese factory that, while it does pay decent, it’s just barely enough to cover bills and groceries. I’ve also been writing much more often than I did this past summer and back in September after I opened up for story commissions.

It’s not the best situation, financially speaking, but I’m perfectly content with where I’m at…except for one thing.

Have I wasted six years of my life with college? Continue reading

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First Fursuiting Experience at Downer’s Grove Furry Bowling Meet

A little over a week ago, I had the opportunity to suit for the very first time, thanks to Wolfletech. He recently got a new, pre-made, partial fursuit from LazyLupe and, if you’ve seen her work, it’s adorable. With two suits, he’s able to allow someone else try on Zalor (the name of his new suit) while he goes as…well, himself, or vise-versa, or two different people try on both his suits. During the Downer’s Grove, IL bowling meet, I suited as Zalor while Wolfletech suited as himself. Continue reading

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On the Brink of Homelessness

Hey guys…

I found out yesterday that I cannot stay in the duplex once Ben moves to Utah with his dad. Apparently someone else was interested in renting the place, and his boss basically rented out to them instead of me. He knew that I’ve been there for months and contribute to rent and utilities when I can. He knew that I had no other place to go. And yet, he still cheated me out.

Earlier this week, Ben gave his boss his two-week notice. I was going to wait until Tuesday to let his boss know that I was interested out of respect; I didn’t want to add more stress on him and wanted to give him time to cool off.

Supposedly, the reason he didn’t want to rent out to me was because I smoke (yes, still) and I have long hair; if he did rent out to me, he’d supposedly jack up the rent out of spite. First off, I always step outside if I want a cig; I’ve never smoked inside the duplex. Secondly, I didn’t know I had to look a certain way to rent out a place that, I’ll admit, is falling apart and over half the outlets aren’t grounded. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he said “No” if he knew I was bisexual. So, after all this, I’m not going to rent out from this asshole at all, nor shop at the Ace Hardware he owns; he’s not having my money, that’s for sure.

So now I need to scramble for a place to live. I do plan on stopping by this place called Southwest C.A.P. (Community Action Program) on Tuesday, since I’d imagine they’ll be closed on Labor Day. Ben went through them before and says they’d pay the first three months’ rent once they help me find an apartment. In the mean time, I’m going to see what options there are in town that are cheap and have one or both utilities included; I’ll have less to worry about and I’d rather pay rent and utilities in one lump sum. I would like a single-bedroom or studio apartment, if I can find one; I’d imagine they’re cheaper and…I like my space and privacy.

Oh, and did I mention I start classes next week? Granted, I’m only taking two and I don’t have any on Tuesday, though I do start my new job that afternoon. Still…I’m so tired of all this; just seems like as soon as things start looking up, I get hit with something else as soon as I feel happy about my life.

Apparently this is the kind of life my mom wanted for me…

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Stepping back for a while

“You can check out anytime you like,
But you can never leave”

— “Hotel California” The Eagles

Hey guys…

As you may or may not know, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately regarding my involvement in the fandom. Between writing stories for either myself or commissioners, getting art for myself or for/from others, roleplaying, and general socializing, it’s starting to get too much for me right now. I’m currently in a very difficult position in my life right now, and I need to start prioritizing where and how I spend my time. Continue reading

Categories: Life Events, Thoughts | 1 Comment

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